spring is here

she sucked long and hard on the menthol cigarette between her first two fingers. there was nothing better, she imagined, than sitting on her stoop on a warm spring evening, smoking menthols and reading. currently she was working on a silly romance novel that she picked up at a garage sale earlier that week. she usually steered clear of these types of books, but the main character oddly reminded her of herself or someone she used to know or maybe someone she had seen on tv that she liked. maybe the main character reminded her of what she always wished she could be like. having never have strayed too far from her small town in small town, USA, she liked to imagine that she would some day travel around the country and become cultured and mature and simply divine. she puffed away and feverishly read how the main character, probably a playboy pinup looking type of girl she imagined, fucked her boss in his office with the shades closed and the lights off. for some reason, she always read through the sex scenes really fast in case someone came up behind her and looked over her shoulder. she could just hear it now, "Oh my word! What in heavens are you reading?"
Dusk was setting in and sadness fell over her suddenly. She didn't like when it was dark out. Everything changed when it got dark outside. Suddenly people didn't smile at you warmly anymore. In the evenings people fought, cried, disappeared... In the daytime people smiled and hugged and played. Yes, everything definitely changed when the sun took its place on the other side of the world and the moon came back. As she placed another cigarette between her lips she closed her novel and watched the sun go down. She'd rather not have to go inside and hear the fighting, crying and screaming. She wished for once she could just disappear.. not forever just for a little while. Wishful thinking it was, she knew that. She figured out that you can never just disappear about 10 years ago.. but she still wished every night for the past 10 years that she could.


haha that sucks im just bored bored bored.

tumblr

not abandonment, per se.

well it seems to be fall

if life is like a box of chocolate. mine must have expired. these chocolates are moldy, their insides are sour. oh god, can i trade mine in. this bitter fucking taste.if life is like a box of chocolate. mine must have expired. these chocolates are moldy, their insides are sour. oh god, can i trade mine in. this bitter fucking tasteif life is like a box of chocolate. mine must have expired. these chocolates are moldy, their insides are sour. oh god, can i trade mine in. this bitter fucking tasteif life is like a box of chocolate. mine must have expired. these chocolates are moldy, their insides are sour. oh god, can i trade mine in. this bitter fucking tasteif life is like a box of chocolate. mine must have expired. these chocolates are moldy, their insides are sour. oh god, can i trade mine in. this bitter fucking tasteif life is like a box of chocolate. mine must have expired. these chocolates are moldy, their insides are sour. oh god, can i trade mine in. this bitter fucking taste. . . . .

i cant shake this little feeling ill never get anything right

[emopoem]

rip it out. set it ablaze.
burn black heart.
vessels burst. they sizzle.

what does a heart smell like when it burns?
cinnamon and cayenne.
pure gasoline.

crumble. fade.
an empty hole will remain.
blood sputters from the veins.
connected to nothing.
the gap in the bridge.
i digress.
watch it fade.
fade.
fade.
fade.
fade.
fade.
fade.

[/emopoem]

i cant play where im not s'posed to anyway..anyway

there just isnt any time

what's that in your eye? oh... its a sparkle.

苹(ping) 果 (guo). it means apple. that was my fortune.

****

can two people be anymore perfect for each other? this is what siobhan thought to herself as she walked towards Cafe Cafe, her favorite coffee shop to meet up with her best friend nelly and recap the trials and tribulations of their dramatic lives. today's discussion would most definitely include siobhan's encounter of mr. right. it had happened only 60 minutes earlier but those darn butterflies floating around her stomach made it feel like she was still standing next to him in the fiction section of the library discussing their favorite Palahniuk book (his was haunted, hers was invisible monsters). when she closed her eyes, she could still see his face as if he was inches away from her. unkempt chocolatey brown hair, thoughtful grey eyes with just a hint of green behind thick black frames, freckles covering the majority of his tan skin and plump lips the color of grapefruits. she just happened to think that his looks would compliment hers just perfectly. he liked dark colored cardigans band t-shirts and slim fitting jeans (at least she assumed based of what he was actually wearing, because they didn't get into a discussion of fashion or anything like that.) and she liked subdued colored summer dresses and bright colored accessories. he'd be the quiet, pensive one and she'd be loud and exuberant. everyone would love when they would show up to parties, fingers intertwined, raving or ranting about the new movie they saw just a few days earlier. they would go to shows and sit at the bar together, he'd order an amstel light and she'd have a blue moon and together they would feel the music and their love for each other exploding throughout the room. a small smile appeared on her face. yup, perfect for each other.

nelly was going to fucking laugh at her. she just knew it, she was going to laugh her ass off. siobhan was just around the corner from Cafe Cafe and she could just foresee the whole thing going down. unlike siobhan, who nelly affectionately called von,

(finishes later)

NEW DIRECTION ------> thataway

ABANDONMENT

i seem to have strayed away from what this blog was meant to be. it wasn't supposed to be personal.

* * * * *

the bright orange tip of her cigarette glowed in the darkness of the hallway. down the hall the flashing lights from the television illuminated the living room. she couldn't walk back in there and face him, so she stood down the hall, puffing away, trying to think of what to say. much to her dismay, nothing was different like he promised. after 2 years of the same old bullshit, she wondered why she still put up with his shit. "fucking bullshit," she muttered between pulls. she crouched down against the wall and ran her thin, bony hands through her oily blonde hair. The water bill hadn't been paid so her hygeine had taken a beating.
"hey, what the fuck are you doing out there?" he leaned over and peered into the darkness. she gave him the finger and took another drag of her marlboro No. 54. Not a sound came from her direction, just the slow burning paper. "What are you fucking avoiding me now? You fucking bitch, stay out there." He leaned back and fixed his eyes back on the boxing match. Garcia VS Mendell.
"Fuck you, Ronnie! You fucking shmuck. Why don't you go watch your mama's television and get the fuck out of my house." She said to him as she walked back into the room. "Yeah, why don't you just get the fuck out. Your presence is not appreciated in my household." The harsh words sounded odd coming from such a small, petite girl. She was barely five feet tall, but when she has a little whiskey in her she felt like a giant.
The man just ignored her and watched the bloody beatdown on the tv. He took a long sip from his Budweiser and stretched out on the worn out recliner. He knew Agnes all too well, ignoring her would just piss her off even more and he loved watching her squirm with anger.
She threw her hands up into the air and sighed angrily. There was no winning with him was there? She pulled out another cigarette from her pocket and put it in her mouth. She lit her cigarette and walked into the kitchen where her bottle of Jack was waiting for her on the counter. She took a swig and cringed as the liquor burned her throat on the way down. "Fuck you, Ronnie." she said through gritted teeth.

the books ive finished so far:
the bell jar
flowers for algernon
the uglies
the pretties
smashed

books im working on:
sex, drugs and cocoa puffs
animal farm
dorian gray


not too shabby. my favorite of the ones ive read so far is definitely the uglies. i guess my genuine geek self loves sci fi. thats why i think i'll really like animal farm too. i'm watching ferngully right now, what a wonderful classic. they don't make cartoons like these anymore. i dyed my hair and it looks alright. its a two step process i suppose. ive been infinitely happy this past week. i saw 500 days of summer and my heart turned into goo. its sloshing around my chest right now. my pupils have been replaced with hearts and im seeing the world through a pink tint. so i was at walmart with david getting batteries for his new bb gun (sigh,..) and i saw miley cyrus' new clothing line. why do all this i find cute have to be raped and molested by the general public. guess i'll have to dig deeper into obscurity.

I don't want to be a second guesser anymore.


I'm planning on making some changes to myself, I wish someone actually thought i could pull them off though.

i wish you would put yourself in my suitcase

i really want to get this when i get some money in my savings. i also saw some polaroid cameras for sale on craigslist that i must have in my possesion at once. i could really go for some oatmeal cookie ice cream.

because if seeing is believing,
then believe that we have lost our eyes

when I fly solo, I fly so high
don't touch me now.

We all deserve something

i think id much rather be somebody else.

i think i made you up in my head

finally finished the bell jar. that is all.


i love being in love, i dont care what it does to me.

florida is not happening. bad timing, poor planning, overall failure. my heart is filled with sadness. i went to lake shepherd with david this past weekend. there's a botanical garden there also and the whole place is super serene and calming. i went kayaking for the first time as well. just a great weekend. bruno was out of control but isn't that the essence of sacha baron cohen.

what im really wondering: who the fuck would go on a dating show for daisy.. yuck. seems like anyone can get a reality dating show these days... what has fame become.

p!atd broke up. i loved the first album but i liked the second one even better so i'll probably be more into whatever ryan ross gets out in the world. that whole retro pop sound is more chill than electronic- pete wentz inspired bullshit.

she opened her mouth to speak, and before a word could escape... the familiar scent of bitch filled the room.

i have to say, i think i was born with hater in my system.

on a lighter note, the characters that i work with are starting to grow on me already. my favorite is claire, or miss claire as they say on the loud speaker ("miss claire, theres a phone call for you on line 3"). she accidently called me monica, and now it's some big joke i guess even though it's secretly one of my biggest pet peeves. she has a very kind smile and her essence reminds me of a grandma, which makes sense because she's a little aged, like a good cheese. the day she hired me she looked at my i.d. and said, "oh, youre an organ donor? (which i had no idea) my son was but we didn't find out until after he died." DEPRESSING MUCH? i love you claire, i will be the son you've lost, except a daughter. this woman named darlene, who is the patisserie attendant, is chubby and friendly and she smells like she might give me second hand smoke. but it's comforting. theres also robert the cake decorator; i smushed one of his cakes on the first day of work and i can't tell whether he's italian or spanish because he's too tan yet not tan enough. my manager bob is friendly and it looks like a broom head is sitting on top of his upper lip. and there's also jimmy who is a couple years older than me, he screams "HOOO" and "WHOA!" for no reason and he got employee of the month today... he has what i suspect is a southern jersey accent. i can't tell if he's genuinely a nice guy, or just one of those guy's who pretends to be nice to your face but has an alter ego..and makes fun of you once his car door slams. i'll give him the benefit of the doubt though. And then there's me, the slightly awkward black girl with unruly eyebrows (i need plucking), big poo colored eyes and a pointy little nose who meeps ("meep!!") and eeks ("eek!") for almost no reason at all. Helene scares me, she's always so tired by the time i come in and she wanders around like a ghost. she's the bakery ghost who floats from display to display arranging packages and yawning. she talked to me once.. she has a really thick accent and i think it's a philly one but i have only met one person from philly who said begels instead of bagels so I CAN'T BE TOO SURE. either way.. she is a little creepy.

i stared at bread for so long today (hot dog and hamburger buns, torpedos, kaiser rolls.. FUCK YOU KAISER ROLLS) that i think it will haunt me tonight in my dreams.

driving to see the love of my life tonight. my body is achy but i'm gonna push myself to work out anyway.

I found a list of flaws that I saw in myself and other people ..and I threw it away because, BON VOYAGE.

I feel like I've been in a partial solitary confinement for the past few months. Last summer I was living in denial, trying to cling on to what was left of my childhood and adolescence in MSO. I feel like I ripped out that last page in the book of my favorite story and kept it in my pocket so that I never had to finish the story and find out where it ended. But it's all crumbled up and falling apart, which tells me (a little too late, of course) that I should have left it inside that hardcover to which it belongs, in pristine condition. The hardcover is appropriately titled "My Life, Part 1 of a million". If it was a best seller that was eventually turned into a major motion picture, the soundtrack would be filled with melodic pop punk and whiny emo bands. Maplewood will always be the place where I feel in my heart that I belong. It's not just Anytown, USA to me, its the place that helped me mold into the person I am today. Any other town I've been to either bores me or disgusts me. When people ask me where I'm from and I tell them, and they don't have any idea where it is all I can do is feel sorry for them. Other people from other towns can't possibly have the pride and love for their town as much as I do. Everyone's always running away from where they grew up and I'm just trying to stay connected as much as possible.

Well, I was. I'm not anymore. I realize now that I can't ever go back and feel normal, and that I've been snipped right out of the picture. Even the down's I've had there will be the highest down's I've ever had. I must be going through that "Who Am I, What Defines Me, Where Am I Going?" stage of life.

On the way home from my new job the other day I was thinking about Gamma Phi Beta.. If I had hair on my arms they'd be standing up straight. The letters of G Phi B should really spell out J.O.K.E. I understand why I pledged but it still embarasses me. My main goal in life has always been to achieve something that I wasn't meant to; THE AMERICAN DREAM. Braces, Snack Pack Puddings, L.L. Bean Back Packs, Pizza Lunchables... then into high school it became Status, Popularity, Level 4 Gov Pol classes, Red Solo Cups, Tiffany Pearl Necklaces..I feel obligated to mention that most of those I either got to enjoy at least once or had an imitation version, like the america's choice brand at pathmark. I feel like a fish out of water most of the time, and I always have. The only time in my life I felt comfortable was when I spent time with people who didn't pressure me to be something I'm not, unlike a lot of people I spent time with in high school and college.. I cringe when I think of the past because the only time I was happy with myself I first handedly fucked up and NOW I WILL NEVER KNOW. I hate myself for it. and Carmen Marques because now I realize more then ever that she is Satan with a brazilian accent. But I won't get into that because I fear that I'm a broken record and the world is tired of hearing that same sad song.

I wish I was as confident as I am today when I was 12 years old. Or when I was 7, so I could have told those little black girls in my class, "Yes my mom is white, shut the fuck up and mind your own business." And I could have told Carmen, when I was 13, "No, I don't want to join Marching Band, its for queers. I'd rather go play on the ice after school and be antisocial." But I was so fucking weak and it pisses me off. Being different is a blessing in disguise and I wasn't strong enough to realize it.

numbness is tingling in my fingertips right now.. All this time I've been trying the mask the fact that I'm one of those people who was born to different. Not the kind of different that is really amazing, awesome, whatever else... just the kind of different that a little special because I have an open mind. I have all of this anger inside of me because of the parts of me that I traded in for my shot of "being cool." I put so much effort into diagnosing and tracking this "cool" factor. what were all of the pieces that went into this "cool" thing... took me way too long to realize it.. but this is now what I think of being cool:

in the ocean there is a school of fish all swimming at the same pace. they all look exactly the same.. pretty yellow, blue and pink stripes, wide, non blinking eyes..all swimming with the same poise and elegance. the mass is so huge that it's hard to tell which fish is swimming the fastest, which fish is the most beautiful because there are so many that it makes your head spin. for so long i wanted to fit into this pack of fish.. but my stripes weren't the right color.. i teetered on the edge for so long..

what.
a.
waste.
of.
a.
life.


my very essence is a tortured soul. im going to go bury my nose in a book now.

well, you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything

THEN YOU THINK YOU INSPIRE

Way harsh, Tai.

You're just a virgin who can't drive.