I found a list of flaws that I saw in myself and other people ..and I threw it away because, BON VOYAGE.

I feel like I've been in a partial solitary confinement for the past few months. Last summer I was living in denial, trying to cling on to what was left of my childhood and adolescence in MSO. I feel like I ripped out that last page in the book of my favorite story and kept it in my pocket so that I never had to finish the story and find out where it ended. But it's all crumbled up and falling apart, which tells me (a little too late, of course) that I should have left it inside that hardcover to which it belongs, in pristine condition. The hardcover is appropriately titled "My Life, Part 1 of a million". If it was a best seller that was eventually turned into a major motion picture, the soundtrack would be filled with melodic pop punk and whiny emo bands. Maplewood will always be the place where I feel in my heart that I belong. It's not just Anytown, USA to me, its the place that helped me mold into the person I am today. Any other town I've been to either bores me or disgusts me. When people ask me where I'm from and I tell them, and they don't have any idea where it is all I can do is feel sorry for them. Other people from other towns can't possibly have the pride and love for their town as much as I do. Everyone's always running away from where they grew up and I'm just trying to stay connected as much as possible.

Well, I was. I'm not anymore. I realize now that I can't ever go back and feel normal, and that I've been snipped right out of the picture. Even the down's I've had there will be the highest down's I've ever had. I must be going through that "Who Am I, What Defines Me, Where Am I Going?" stage of life.

On the way home from my new job the other day I was thinking about Gamma Phi Beta.. If I had hair on my arms they'd be standing up straight. The letters of G Phi B should really spell out J.O.K.E. I understand why I pledged but it still embarasses me. My main goal in life has always been to achieve something that I wasn't meant to; THE AMERICAN DREAM. Braces, Snack Pack Puddings, L.L. Bean Back Packs, Pizza Lunchables... then into high school it became Status, Popularity, Level 4 Gov Pol classes, Red Solo Cups, Tiffany Pearl Necklaces..I feel obligated to mention that most of those I either got to enjoy at least once or had an imitation version, like the america's choice brand at pathmark. I feel like a fish out of water most of the time, and I always have. The only time in my life I felt comfortable was when I spent time with people who didn't pressure me to be something I'm not, unlike a lot of people I spent time with in high school and college.. I cringe when I think of the past because the only time I was happy with myself I first handedly fucked up and NOW I WILL NEVER KNOW. I hate myself for it. and Carmen Marques because now I realize more then ever that she is Satan with a brazilian accent. But I won't get into that because I fear that I'm a broken record and the world is tired of hearing that same sad song.

I wish I was as confident as I am today when I was 12 years old. Or when I was 7, so I could have told those little black girls in my class, "Yes my mom is white, shut the fuck up and mind your own business." And I could have told Carmen, when I was 13, "No, I don't want to join Marching Band, its for queers. I'd rather go play on the ice after school and be antisocial." But I was so fucking weak and it pisses me off. Being different is a blessing in disguise and I wasn't strong enough to realize it.

numbness is tingling in my fingertips right now.. All this time I've been trying the mask the fact that I'm one of those people who was born to different. Not the kind of different that is really amazing, awesome, whatever else... just the kind of different that a little special because I have an open mind. I have all of this anger inside of me because of the parts of me that I traded in for my shot of "being cool." I put so much effort into diagnosing and tracking this "cool" factor. what were all of the pieces that went into this "cool" thing... took me way too long to realize it.. but this is now what I think of being cool:

in the ocean there is a school of fish all swimming at the same pace. they all look exactly the same.. pretty yellow, blue and pink stripes, wide, non blinking eyes..all swimming with the same poise and elegance. the mass is so huge that it's hard to tell which fish is swimming the fastest, which fish is the most beautiful because there are so many that it makes your head spin. for so long i wanted to fit into this pack of fish.. but my stripes weren't the right color.. i teetered on the edge for so long..

what.
a.
waste.
of.
a.
life.


my very essence is a tortured soul. im going to go bury my nose in a book now.