florida is not happening. bad timing, poor planning, overall failure. my heart is filled with sadness. i went to lake shepherd with david this past weekend. there's a botanical garden there also and the whole place is super serene and calming. i went kayaking for the first time as well. just a great weekend. bruno was out of control but isn't that the essence of sacha baron cohen.

what im really wondering: who the fuck would go on a dating show for daisy.. yuck. seems like anyone can get a reality dating show these days... what has fame become.

p!atd broke up. i loved the first album but i liked the second one even better so i'll probably be more into whatever ryan ross gets out in the world. that whole retro pop sound is more chill than electronic- pete wentz inspired bullshit.

she opened her mouth to speak, and before a word could escape... the familiar scent of bitch filled the room.

i have to say, i think i was born with hater in my system.

on a lighter note, the characters that i work with are starting to grow on me already. my favorite is claire, or miss claire as they say on the loud speaker ("miss claire, theres a phone call for you on line 3"). she accidently called me monica, and now it's some big joke i guess even though it's secretly one of my biggest pet peeves. she has a very kind smile and her essence reminds me of a grandma, which makes sense because she's a little aged, like a good cheese. the day she hired me she looked at my i.d. and said, "oh, youre an organ donor? (which i had no idea) my son was but we didn't find out until after he died." DEPRESSING MUCH? i love you claire, i will be the son you've lost, except a daughter. this woman named darlene, who is the patisserie attendant, is chubby and friendly and she smells like she might give me second hand smoke. but it's comforting. theres also robert the cake decorator; i smushed one of his cakes on the first day of work and i can't tell whether he's italian or spanish because he's too tan yet not tan enough. my manager bob is friendly and it looks like a broom head is sitting on top of his upper lip. and there's also jimmy who is a couple years older than me, he screams "HOOO" and "WHOA!" for no reason and he got employee of the month today... he has what i suspect is a southern jersey accent. i can't tell if he's genuinely a nice guy, or just one of those guy's who pretends to be nice to your face but has an alter ego..and makes fun of you once his car door slams. i'll give him the benefit of the doubt though. And then there's me, the slightly awkward black girl with unruly eyebrows (i need plucking), big poo colored eyes and a pointy little nose who meeps ("meep!!") and eeks ("eek!") for almost no reason at all. Helene scares me, she's always so tired by the time i come in and she wanders around like a ghost. she's the bakery ghost who floats from display to display arranging packages and yawning. she talked to me once.. she has a really thick accent and i think it's a philly one but i have only met one person from philly who said begels instead of bagels so I CAN'T BE TOO SURE. either way.. she is a little creepy.

i stared at bread for so long today (hot dog and hamburger buns, torpedos, kaiser rolls.. FUCK YOU KAISER ROLLS) that i think it will haunt me tonight in my dreams.

driving to see the love of my life tonight. my body is achy but i'm gonna push myself to work out anyway.

I found a list of flaws that I saw in myself and other people ..and I threw it away because, BON VOYAGE.

I feel like I've been in a partial solitary confinement for the past few months. Last summer I was living in denial, trying to cling on to what was left of my childhood and adolescence in MSO. I feel like I ripped out that last page in the book of my favorite story and kept it in my pocket so that I never had to finish the story and find out where it ended. But it's all crumbled up and falling apart, which tells me (a little too late, of course) that I should have left it inside that hardcover to which it belongs, in pristine condition. The hardcover is appropriately titled "My Life, Part 1 of a million". If it was a best seller that was eventually turned into a major motion picture, the soundtrack would be filled with melodic pop punk and whiny emo bands. Maplewood will always be the place where I feel in my heart that I belong. It's not just Anytown, USA to me, its the place that helped me mold into the person I am today. Any other town I've been to either bores me or disgusts me. When people ask me where I'm from and I tell them, and they don't have any idea where it is all I can do is feel sorry for them. Other people from other towns can't possibly have the pride and love for their town as much as I do. Everyone's always running away from where they grew up and I'm just trying to stay connected as much as possible.

Well, I was. I'm not anymore. I realize now that I can't ever go back and feel normal, and that I've been snipped right out of the picture. Even the down's I've had there will be the highest down's I've ever had. I must be going through that "Who Am I, What Defines Me, Where Am I Going?" stage of life.

On the way home from my new job the other day I was thinking about Gamma Phi Beta.. If I had hair on my arms they'd be standing up straight. The letters of G Phi B should really spell out J.O.K.E. I understand why I pledged but it still embarasses me. My main goal in life has always been to achieve something that I wasn't meant to; THE AMERICAN DREAM. Braces, Snack Pack Puddings, L.L. Bean Back Packs, Pizza Lunchables... then into high school it became Status, Popularity, Level 4 Gov Pol classes, Red Solo Cups, Tiffany Pearl Necklaces..I feel obligated to mention that most of those I either got to enjoy at least once or had an imitation version, like the america's choice brand at pathmark. I feel like a fish out of water most of the time, and I always have. The only time in my life I felt comfortable was when I spent time with people who didn't pressure me to be something I'm not, unlike a lot of people I spent time with in high school and college.. I cringe when I think of the past because the only time I was happy with myself I first handedly fucked up and NOW I WILL NEVER KNOW. I hate myself for it. and Carmen Marques because now I realize more then ever that she is Satan with a brazilian accent. But I won't get into that because I fear that I'm a broken record and the world is tired of hearing that same sad song.

I wish I was as confident as I am today when I was 12 years old. Or when I was 7, so I could have told those little black girls in my class, "Yes my mom is white, shut the fuck up and mind your own business." And I could have told Carmen, when I was 13, "No, I don't want to join Marching Band, its for queers. I'd rather go play on the ice after school and be antisocial." But I was so fucking weak and it pisses me off. Being different is a blessing in disguise and I wasn't strong enough to realize it.

numbness is tingling in my fingertips right now.. All this time I've been trying the mask the fact that I'm one of those people who was born to different. Not the kind of different that is really amazing, awesome, whatever else... just the kind of different that a little special because I have an open mind. I have all of this anger inside of me because of the parts of me that I traded in for my shot of "being cool." I put so much effort into diagnosing and tracking this "cool" factor. what were all of the pieces that went into this "cool" thing... took me way too long to realize it.. but this is now what I think of being cool:

in the ocean there is a school of fish all swimming at the same pace. they all look exactly the same.. pretty yellow, blue and pink stripes, wide, non blinking eyes..all swimming with the same poise and elegance. the mass is so huge that it's hard to tell which fish is swimming the fastest, which fish is the most beautiful because there are so many that it makes your head spin. for so long i wanted to fit into this pack of fish.. but my stripes weren't the right color.. i teetered on the edge for so long..

what.
a.
waste.
of.
a.
life.


my very essence is a tortured soul. im going to go bury my nose in a book now.

well, you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything

THEN YOU THINK YOU INSPIRE

Way harsh, Tai.

You're just a virgin who can't drive.

THE SKY IS FALLING

I think my world is toppling on my head. The sky is crashing to the ground. BOOM. What was once up is now down. Attention Attention: This is not the world you know anymore.