she opened her mouth to speak, and before a word could escape... the familiar scent of bitch filled the room.

i have to say, i think i was born with hater in my system.

on a lighter note, the characters that i work with are starting to grow on me already. my favorite is claire, or miss claire as they say on the loud speaker ("miss claire, theres a phone call for you on line 3"). she accidently called me monica, and now it's some big joke i guess even though it's secretly one of my biggest pet peeves. she has a very kind smile and her essence reminds me of a grandma, which makes sense because she's a little aged, like a good cheese. the day she hired me she looked at my i.d. and said, "oh, youre an organ donor? (which i had no idea) my son was but we didn't find out until after he died." DEPRESSING MUCH? i love you claire, i will be the son you've lost, except a daughter. this woman named darlene, who is the patisserie attendant, is chubby and friendly and she smells like she might give me second hand smoke. but it's comforting. theres also robert the cake decorator; i smushed one of his cakes on the first day of work and i can't tell whether he's italian or spanish because he's too tan yet not tan enough. my manager bob is friendly and it looks like a broom head is sitting on top of his upper lip. and there's also jimmy who is a couple years older than me, he screams "HOOO" and "WHOA!" for no reason and he got employee of the month today... he has what i suspect is a southern jersey accent. i can't tell if he's genuinely a nice guy, or just one of those guy's who pretends to be nice to your face but has an alter ego..and makes fun of you once his car door slams. i'll give him the benefit of the doubt though. And then there's me, the slightly awkward black girl with unruly eyebrows (i need plucking), big poo colored eyes and a pointy little nose who meeps ("meep!!") and eeks ("eek!") for almost no reason at all. Helene scares me, she's always so tired by the time i come in and she wanders around like a ghost. she's the bakery ghost who floats from display to display arranging packages and yawning. she talked to me once.. she has a really thick accent and i think it's a philly one but i have only met one person from philly who said begels instead of bagels so I CAN'T BE TOO SURE. either way.. she is a little creepy.

i stared at bread for so long today (hot dog and hamburger buns, torpedos, kaiser rolls.. FUCK YOU KAISER ROLLS) that i think it will haunt me tonight in my dreams.

driving to see the love of my life tonight. my body is achy but i'm gonna push myself to work out anyway.

I found a list of flaws that I saw in myself and other people ..and I threw it away because, BON VOYAGE.

I feel like I've been in a partial solitary confinement for the past few months. Last summer I was living in denial, trying to cling on to what was left of my childhood and adolescence in MSO. I feel like I ripped out that last page in the book of my favorite story and kept it in my pocket so that I never had to finish the story and find out where it ended. But it's all crumbled up and falling apart, which tells me (a little too late, of course) that I should have left it inside that hardcover to which it belongs, in pristine condition. The hardcover is appropriately titled "My Life, Part 1 of a million". If it was a best seller that was eventually turned into a major motion picture, the soundtrack would be filled with melodic pop punk and whiny emo bands. Maplewood will always be the place where I feel in my heart that I belong. It's not just Anytown, USA to me, its the place that helped me mold into the person I am today. Any other town I've been to either bores me or disgusts me. When people ask me where I'm from and I tell them, and they don't have any idea where it is all I can do is feel sorry for them. Other people from other towns can't possibly have the pride and love for their town as much as I do. Everyone's always running away from where they grew up and I'm just trying to stay connected as much as possible.

Well, I was. I'm not anymore. I realize now that I can't ever go back and feel normal, and that I've been snipped right out of the picture. Even the down's I've had there will be the highest down's I've ever had. I must be going through that "Who Am I, What Defines Me, Where Am I Going?" stage of life.

On the way home from my new job the other day I was thinking about Gamma Phi Beta.. If I had hair on my arms they'd be standing up straight. The letters of G Phi B should really spell out J.O.K.E. I understand why I pledged but it still embarasses me. My main goal in life has always been to achieve something that I wasn't meant to; THE AMERICAN DREAM. Braces, Snack Pack Puddings, L.L. Bean Back Packs, Pizza Lunchables... then into high school it became Status, Popularity, Level 4 Gov Pol classes, Red Solo Cups, Tiffany Pearl Necklaces..I feel obligated to mention that most of those I either got to enjoy at least once or had an imitation version, like the america's choice brand at pathmark. I feel like a fish out of water most of the time, and I always have. The only time in my life I felt comfortable was when I spent time with people who didn't pressure me to be something I'm not, unlike a lot of people I spent time with in high school and college.. I cringe when I think of the past because the only time I was happy with myself I first handedly fucked up and NOW I WILL NEVER KNOW. I hate myself for it. and Carmen Marques because now I realize more then ever that she is Satan with a brazilian accent. But I won't get into that because I fear that I'm a broken record and the world is tired of hearing that same sad song.

I wish I was as confident as I am today when I was 12 years old. Or when I was 7, so I could have told those little black girls in my class, "Yes my mom is white, shut the fuck up and mind your own business." And I could have told Carmen, when I was 13, "No, I don't want to join Marching Band, its for queers. I'd rather go play on the ice after school and be antisocial." But I was so fucking weak and it pisses me off. Being different is a blessing in disguise and I wasn't strong enough to realize it.

numbness is tingling in my fingertips right now.. All this time I've been trying the mask the fact that I'm one of those people who was born to different. Not the kind of different that is really amazing, awesome, whatever else... just the kind of different that a little special because I have an open mind. I have all of this anger inside of me because of the parts of me that I traded in for my shot of "being cool." I put so much effort into diagnosing and tracking this "cool" factor. what were all of the pieces that went into this "cool" thing... took me way too long to realize it.. but this is now what I think of being cool:

in the ocean there is a school of fish all swimming at the same pace. they all look exactly the same.. pretty yellow, blue and pink stripes, wide, non blinking eyes..all swimming with the same poise and elegance. the mass is so huge that it's hard to tell which fish is swimming the fastest, which fish is the most beautiful because there are so many that it makes your head spin. for so long i wanted to fit into this pack of fish.. but my stripes weren't the right color.. i teetered on the edge for so long..

what.
a.
waste.
of.
a.
life.


my very essence is a tortured soul. im going to go bury my nose in a book now.

well, you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything

THEN YOU THINK YOU INSPIRE

Way harsh, Tai.

You're just a virgin who can't drive.

THE SKY IS FALLING

I think my world is toppling on my head. The sky is crashing to the ground. BOOM. What was once up is now down. Attention Attention: This is not the world you know anymore.

life as an oreo, revised!

I am fifty percent black, fifty percent white and one hundred percent confused. In fact, I have been completely dumbfounded since I was old enough to think for myself. I don’t think many normal people really think about how difficult it is to be the product of two different races. What side am I supposed to choose? I’ve always prided myself in being both races, I feel like I get to experience the best and worst of both worlds, but at the same time it’s a black cloud that is constantly hovering over my head, threatening to rain on my parade.

I’ve struggled with racial identity since I was let out into the world on my own, and allowed to make my own decisions. When I was just a sheltered kid, spending every day with my parents and my brother, it never quite registered that we were different than the other families. At the time we lived in a predominantly black area, with the rest of my family within very close proximity. Days were spent with my brother, who barely a year younger than me, and my cousins who are barely a year older than me. I was the only girl around, so we generally played cops and robbers, secret agent spies, and tag more than house and Barbies. No one ever talked about how my mom was white or asked any questions. I never wondered why one of my grandmas was white and told me the best stories while the other had a heavy Jamaican accent and always made the best breakfast on Sunday mornings. It was more fun to talk about which secret location we would hi-jack into with our V-Tech computers, or pick out which Ninja Turtle we most closely identified with. This is where the saying “ignorance is bliss” comes from. It wasn’t until I got a little older when I started to realize that I was different from everyone else. And being a child I obviously only really wanted one thing: to be the same as everyone else. I began to actually become embarrassed to be seen with my mom, and dreaded anytime I’d have to go out in public with her.

My earliest memory of really having an issue with my mixed race was in second grade, when I still lived in the predominantly black area. It was the day where all the parents came into class and got to shadow us for a couple hours to see exactly what the day in a life of a second grader really was. I should have been excited to show my mom about how much I learned in class, how I was the best reader in class and how the teacher thought I could start reading third grader books. Instead I was more worried about what everyone would think when I walked in with a white woman holding my hand. I had falsely hoped that I could keep my mother’s existence a secret from the outside world. If I had it my way she would just hide in the closet and only come out when I wanted someone to read me a bedtime story or play games with me in the bath. Unfortunately, the world doesn’t quite work that way. It was a rainy day when I dragged my mom into my classroom and sat down quietly without saying a word. We were seated in pods of four desks, and my pod happened to be directly in the center for all of the class to see. It’s not quite in the nature of a 7 year old to hold much back, which is why the minute I sat down a girl across the pod from me looked at me, then my mother, then back to me and bluntly asked, “Why is your mom white?”. Flabbergasted and not quite sure how to explain myself, tears came streaming down my cheeks as my entire body convulsed with sobs. I still shudder when I think back on that day.

As I got older, things started to get stickier. Kids got crueler and I grew more confused as the years went by. We moved to a different town with more white people in it, where I was rudely informed by a group of black kids that I was an “Oreo.” Technical definition of an Oreo: a chocolate cookie with white cream filling. Slang definition of an Oreo: a person who is black on the outside but white on the inside. By this point in my life my black father was out of the picture and my white stepfather’s head was pasted in. I don’t know exactly what I did that tipped these kids off that I was an Oreo. Did my parent’s speaking rub off on me? Was it the fact that I listened to the Back Street Boys instead of Jay-Z? The whole idea of acting like a white person still baffles me to this day. I’m not intentionally trying to offend anyone who is black and listens to rap music, and wears Apple bottom Jeans and boots with fur. I didn’t wake up one day and decide that I hated black culture and wanted to submerge myself in all things white in an attempt to push away my other half. I can’t help that I prefer guitar riffs over heavy bass and drums. It was those kids who made me embarrassed to be myself. I was only 9 and I was starting to second guess what music I listened to and what shows I watched.

By the time I entered middle school I started to think that my brother and I were our own special breed of people. We were like those Albino people you always heard about but never saw. We were the Oreos; the exclusive club that was black on the outside but white on the inside. We had again moved to another town over, this time even more white. But there was something different about this town than the others. There were people like me here! Maplewood, New Jersey The super liberal, gay friendly streets were filled with people who were accepting of other’s differences and strangely encouraged it. was the safe haven I had been longing for my entire life.

The first time I met a girl who was just like me, the heavens opened up and angels sang. Finally! There was someone who identified with the same issues I did. It was freshman year, and her name was Angie. Appearance wise she was a little different than me. My hair is kinky and my skin is without a doubt black, and most people tend to assume that’s what I am. Her skin, on the other hand, is not black and it’s not white. Her hair is not straight, but it isn’t kinky either. It was like God took a white person and a black person and smashed them together to see what the product would look like. We liked the same music and had the same taste in clothes, and she definitely had a membership to the Oreo Club. I finally didn’t have to be embarrassed to like the things I did. To this day Angie and I are still best friends who are eerily similar in every way.

Dating has always been a bit of an issue for me. I’ve dated pretty much every type of guy out there; my first kiss was a boy with flaming red hair and ice cold, piercing blue eyes. A lot of my friends ask my why I never date black guys, and I don’t really have a good answer for them. I’ve always been attracted to artsy guys; the guys who were always stuck in their thoughts and played instruments or showed their emotions through photography or painting. I have dated black guys in the past, but there was never an “it” factor for me. Because I was basically abandoned by my father, who is black, I have a bit of a negative image towards black men. I’m a strong supporter of inter-racial dating because I think it helps to throw a little bit of culture into society’s face. Besides, how else would I exist?

One question I’ve always wondered is how society can be so close minded. Sometimes it seems like I’m the only person who is open to cultural diversity. Too many times I’ve come across narrow minded people who judge and categorize people based on their race or region. Luckily I come from a very diverse town where people are used to seeing white kids hanging out with black kids, and asian kids chilling with middle eastern kids. It was only when I came to college when I realized that there is so much racial segregation still going on. There are people from mid-west, white, conservative, Christian towns that don’t want to associate with black people just because they are afraid or just don’t know. And there are also black people who don’t want to associate with white people, and judge them as racist before they even meet them. A white friend of mine a couple weeks ago was telling me how there was one black kid that he worked with that never acknowledged him when he said hello or was very rude to him in general. So my friend finally said, “What gives? Why are you such a dick to me?” and the kid responded that it wasn’t personal he just didn’t like white people. Hearing this actually really shocked me. Another white friend of mine that lives in my hometown but goes to Syracuse told me over winter break that at her school the majority of students are white and come from all white towns. She brought a friend back to my town with her and when she saw all of the black kids leaving my high school she was genuinely surprised.

At the age of 18, I don’t find it particularly easier to be a half-breed. I’m still confused as to which race I fit in with more, and whether I’m a bad person for fitting where I do. I look at myself as a puzzle piece; I can’t help which shape I fit into and which I don’t. I make a point to tell most people I meet or befriend that I am in fact bi-racial as if it were an excuse as to why my personality is the way it is. I’m not embarrassed to be bi-racial, I’m proud of who I am and where I come from. So in case you didn’t know, I’m Monique McKenzie and I’m a member of the Oreo Club.